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coacheswife
10 Posts |
 Posted - 04/18/2011 : 15:51:39
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Being a coach's wife is hard sometimes. You have to hear all the negative comments being made in the stands. Why can't people just try to be positive!! I feel so sorry for coach's that put out a lot of time and effort to help kids learn and the parents think that their child is being picked on or NAGGED (as I have heard) when the coach's are only trying to instruct the player. Yes, there are some coach's that go a little to far but our coach's do not. My husband simply told a player to get under the ball before a game and the mother pulled my husband aside and told him to not pick on her son because others were doing it too! What the heck?? He was strictly working with her son at the time. AHHHHHH! My husband has been coaching for years and has never had one parent complain about his coaching style. This parent is extremely controlling and has been this way about others things since the beginning.
We are a brand new travel team and do not have a lot of wins under our belt yet. The parents are all getting frustrated and I believe their negative vibe spreads like the flu. It takes time for a new team to evolve and learn each other. You don't expect a new born baby to start walking the first few months of life. The same for a new travel team ...you can't expect everything and everyone to be perfect and win every game their first season together. Can someone please let me know how to sit in the stands and deal with negative comments and parents questioning the coaches decisions constantly. I would sit alone but I am a very socialable person and do not want to abandon the stands were my child likes to see me. I am a positive person and feel like some of the parents negative mojo has spread my way so I wore a BRIGHT pink shirt today with a hugh smiley face on the front and it says BE HAPPY on the back!!! I refuse to let my team down by letting people get to me anymore. We also have parents trying to dictate where their child likes to play and where they want them to play. We always say it is about the name on the front not the one on the back of the jersey.
Ok...thanks for letting me vent...lol Thanks for all the coaches out there trying to develop these kids into great ballplayers...You Rock!! |
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4bagger
131 Posts |
Posted - 04/18/2011 : 17:19:22
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You have no idea the can of worms you just opened and the multiple replies you are about to get. :)
I am a coach who's been around ball fields and youth sports for close to 20 years and I thank GOD my wife is there to bring a jolt of reality to both the parents and me.
Your job is the toughest out there and don't let anyone tell you it isn't.
First, ask yourself "are they right?" A number of times my wife has come to me and said here's a complaint I heard but here's why they are right. Perhaps you should look into changing your style a bit. I can't tell you the harmony she brought to the team by making me face my weaknesses as a coach.
But when they are NOT right she points out, just as calmly, why THEY are wrong and why I do what I do how I do it. Though it fails sometimes, mostly people will calm down and realize they spoke out of reaction and not out of thought.
Every team has those parents who are never satisfied. After the third interaction with those types of parents I generally default to "I'm sorry you do not agree with what I am trying to do with your son and how I teach. He's a great kid and I am sure when you are the head coach of your own team next season he will respond better to your instruction than mine. Since you are so unhappy with my coaching and you think your son does not benefit from being on my team I will be glad to have him sit out and not play or you can take him elsewhere where he will be happier. But if you choose to stay, then this is how it will be."
The playing position and batting order location is a result of not communicating properly at the beginning of the season. My team suffers from that now as we also are a first year team. But it won't happen in the fall! This fall parents and kids will be told what position we have selected them for, they will get reps IN PRACTICE for a secondary position but may never play it in a game, we will work on their pitching IN PRACTICE but may not see more than an inning or two in a game all season, they will bat where we determine they will be most successful and only where we want them to and that the Manager, with the support of the coaches, will run the team, not the parents. If this is not satisfactory, then other teams await you.
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Hiredgun
44 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 06:51:42
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Rock on 4Bagger !!! I hear ya' loud and clear. I, too, coach a travel team and let me tell you that you have to "put the hay down where the goats can get it" from the start.
Each player and parent has to be told that discussions about playing time, playing position, and where they bat in the lineup are prohibited. However; if a parent wants to have that discussion we will have it but, when we do please bring their son's uniform with them.
Coaching a baseball team is not a democracy. It is a dictatorship. It is the coach's responsibility to put the TEAM in the best possible situation to be successful at that given point in time. Playing time is not guaranteed for any player. Playing time is earned in pracitce and not in games. Remember, all players are not created equal in talent and ability.
At the start of each season we have a parent meeting and we lay it all on the line with them. You have to let them know what is expected from them much like you would a new employee on the job. I must say that our parents are on board with our program and ways. We have a very successful team and they enjoy the oppotunities that their kids are provided.
Coacheswife, you did not say what age group your husband coaches but, it is all the same. Another point to consider is this......teams that are not successful DO NOT stay together. There will be turn over in player personnel so tell you husband to expect it. And on the flip side....he may make a decision to let a player or players go to help improve the team. It is what you call growing pains in travel ball. I have been coaching travel ball for 8 years and we only have 3 players from when we originally started so you can see how players come and go through time.
Coaching is a tough job and I am willing to bet that if you husband asked some of the complaining parents to get out there and do it they would quickly decline. A coach's wife has to have thick skin. Hang in there and enjoy the time that you have with your son and his baseball. It will quickly be gone before you know it.
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coacheswife
10 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 09:34:49
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4Bagger and HiredGun,
Thank you so much for your input. It is just really hard to see your husband and the other coaches work a full time job and find it in their heart to coach a Travel Baseball team. All of our coaches LOVE the game and the kids. It is their mission to develop these young kids into good baseball players. If you have to worry about what a parent has to say everytime you correct their child then it starts wearing you down.
I have let it get to me but have kept it inside. I will continue to sit in the stands with the other parents and let them make each other unhappy...just kidding... The majority of our parents are good supporters of the coaches but you can not ever make everyone happy!
I personally LOVE baseball and my child has the LOVE for the game too! He is successfull because he takes instruction well and doesn't CRY at every mistake he makes. Travel Baseball in my opinion is not for weak emotional players. You both are so right about we should have laid the road for what is not acceptable in parent involvement up front!! What a hugh mistake that will be learned from:) Are there any other coaches wives out there that need to vent or am I the only one? Thanks a lot coaches for your response! |
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Hiredgun
44 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 09:58:46
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Coacheswife,
Glad to be of some help. I hope that your situation improves as the season goes on. I totally agree with your comments that travel ball is not for weak emotional players.
We have always told our kids that as each year goes by the game gets tougher and tougher on you. All of our kids play either middle school or high school ball on the freshman team. They can all attest to the fact that the coaches, at that level, do not put up with any static from players and parents.
Good luck with your team and season.
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silvercityjon
56 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 10:56:43
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| "put the hay down where the goats can get it" I have heard a lot of quotes in my life time and this has to be one of the best ones I have ever heard. I am stealing it HIREDGUN....thanks!!!! |
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4for4
15 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 11:35:14
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| Coachwife, certainly understand your points. My wife went through this years ago. It seams to have subsided some as my son gets older. She used to sit on the opposing side to sitting out away from everyone to not coming to games at all. She's starting to come back to the games now, my son has often asked why mom does not come to all his games. |
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9U Coach
30 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 12:53:23
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| coacheswife - I have been a coach for many years (don't let the screen name fool you) and have been lucky enough to have the best "coaches wife". She has always been supportive regardless of how much time and effort I have put into my kids / teams. She has heard it all. We have been through rec ball, all-stars and now travel ball. What I can't understand is that these parents saying these things are "suprised" to learn that I have heard what they have had to say. IT'S MY WIFE! DO YOU NOT THINK SHE'S GOING TO TELL ME?!!! Especially when it is something that has really upset her. Luckily, there has not been too much negative in the last few years. I will tell you that the team being very successful helps A LOT. 4bagger hit the nail on the head. Be supportive, but don't be shy about pointing out things that the "complainers" might be right about. It has helped me several times. I thank my wife for her support often, but probably not enough. I would like to thank you and all coaches' wives - it's not easy! |
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coacheswife
10 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 13:13:43
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| Well I have come to the conclusion that I totally refuse to let anyone chase me away from watching my son play or let their bad attitude, negative thoughts influence me. I do and will continue to support the Team and The Coaches.I try to be at every practice and every game because I totally enjoy watching the kids grow and start pulling everything together. Some parents are going to just sit back and focus on the negative things only...that is life. I personally feel sorry for those people since it takes more effort to be unhappy then to be happy. I think parents should speak about their feeling for the coaches and other kids when their player is not around to listen. Because this creates a bad vibe between the coaches and other players to them. By the way, I like the Goat reference too!! |
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gasbag
281 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 13:29:07
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Coacheswife - great post. I have coached youth athletics for over 20 years. I've been an assistant coach for most of those years as I do not have an ounce of patience for parents whom drop their kids off and trust their safety with me then turn around and question my judgement and decisions. That all changed a few years back when I finally became a head coach. I took the position under the auspices of "my way or the highway". I had a parent meeting(s) and explained very clearly the rules our team would operate under. One of the rules was don't go to my wife, don't go to my son and don't go to other parents...come directly to me and let's discuss your concerns and resolve the issue / concerns immediately. I went on to tell them this..."what if I as the head coach went to your wife, or son or another parent to talk about the issues I may be having with your son ? " Once I put it in perspective, they were immediately sensitized to a head coaches issue. One of my other rules was this, I will treat your son in the exact same fashion as my son. No different. They will receive instruction, accolades, discipline mixed with fun as I do with my own son. Have my years as a head coach been totally without conflict, absolutely not but I can tell you each conflict was at least discussed and dealt with vs. festering with an underlying current of resentment. That's a cancer and it's best to deal with it before it grows into something bigger.
Conflict is a normal part of everyday life. So to is conflict resolution. Set the ground rules up front and have everyone agree to them and you will be much better off. |
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coacheswife
10 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 14:17:16
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Thanks to everyone responding to this subject. I also find it very odd that one parent will make a comment about the coaches right in front of me. They have no concern that I am freaking standing right there. Really? I usually ignore them or try to explain (if I know) what the coaches were trying to do. I try to give them a different perspective (nicely) if I can. Sometimes, they will say "Oh that makes sense now". I swear some people show up to the games just to find something to complain about. I show up because Travel Baseball ROCKS and I love watching the game! Enjoy a few qoutes that I found cute.
There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem - once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit. ~Al Gallagher, 1971
With those who don't give a **** about baseball, I can only sympathize. I do not resent them. I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace. But while the game is on, I can't think of anything to say to them. ~Art Hill
I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. ~Tom Clark
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ramman999
241 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 15:01:43
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Some of the best posts I have seen, bravo.
Sometimes it takes a while for the parents to realize this isn't rec ball anymore, and sometimes they never do. The worst thing you can go is let it simmer, because negativity breeds negativity - they clammer to their kids, who in turn start to develop an attitude. Sometimes people get pulled into someone else's agenda just by association and you end up with a bunch of disgruntled parents all because of one. Lose a bunch of games in a row, and look out! The only 2 constants in travel ball are drama and change!
For those who have not read - I suggest a great book:
TRAVELBALL - HOW TO START AND MANAGE A SUCCESSFUL TRAVEL BASEBALL TEAM.
It was written by Ron Filipkowski, who coaches a very successful team in Florida
http://bit.ly/TravelballBook
Even if you don't coach - it is a great read, and if you have been around the game for a while, you will more than likely have an "ah - ha! " moment or two.. |
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coachtony
236 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 15:33:40
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I found this online several years ago and send it to my parents at the beginning of every spring.
quote:
Dear Parents,
Here are some hints on how to make this a fun season, with lots of positive memories for your kids and your family...
1. Make sure your kids know that, win or lose, you love them. Be the person in their life they can always look to for support.
2. Try to be completely honest with yourself about your kids' athletic capability, their competitive attitude, their sportsmanship, and their level of skills.
3. Be helpful, but don't coach your kids on the way to the game or at the breakfast table. Think how tough it must be on them to be continually inundated with advice, pep talks, and criticism.
4. Teach your kids to enjoy the thrill of competition, to be out there trying, to be constantly working to improve their skills, to take physical bumps and come back for more. Don't tell them that winning doesn't count because it does, and they know it. Instead, help them develop a healthy competitive attitude, a "feel" for competing, for trying hard, for having a good time.
5. Try not to live your life through your kids. You've lost as well as won, you've been frightened, and you've backed off at times. Sure they're an extension of you, but don't assume they feel the same way you did, want the same things, or have the same attitude.
6. Don't push them in the direction that gives you the most satisfaction.
7. Don't compare your kids with other players on their team - at least not within their hearing - don't lie to them about their capabilities as a player. If you are overly protective, you will perpetuate the problem.
8. Get to know your kids' coaches. Make sure you approve of each coach's attitude and ethics. Coaches can be influential, and you should know the values of each coach so that you can decide whether or not you want them passed on to your kids.
9. Remember that children tend to exaggerate. Temper your reactions to stories they bring home from practice or the game about how they were praised or criticized. Don't criticize them for exaggerating, but don't overreact to the stories they tell you.
10. Teach your kids the meaning of courage. Some of us can climb mountains, but are frightened about getting into a fight. Some of us can fight without fear, but turn to jelly at the sight of a bee. Everyone is frightened about something. Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is learning to perform in spite of fear. Courage isn't getting rid of fear. It's overcoming it.
11. Winning is an important goal. Winning at all costs is stupidity.
12. Remember that officials are necessary. Don't overreact to their calls. They have rules and guidelines to follow representing authority on the field. Teach your kids to respect authority and to play by the rules.
13. Finally, remember, if the kids aren't having fun, we're missing the whole point of youth sports.
Sincerely,
Dr. Darrell J. Burnett, PhD.
Clinical and Sports Psychologist
http://www.djburnett.com/
I use this along with a letter from the entire coaching staff to lay out the expectation of the coaches, the players, and the parents. Make no mistake about it, any one of those three groups can cause a team to deflate in an instant. So far, it has worked. Got a great group of kids, coaches, and parents. Either we are very lucky or there is something to this clearly laying out expectations.
--T
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coacheswife
10 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 15:54:08
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Thanks Ramman999,
I have actually thought about buying that book for my husband and the other coaches. The reviews on it are really good! You are so right about how they can drag other parents and their children down with the negativity. The coaches don't get paid and should not be expected to be perfect. If they are looking for a pro to coach their kid then they can go pay for one. Although, by the time you become a travel coach you are probably pretty good at it and know your stuff. Again, you can never make everyone happy:) |
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TAZ980002
831 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 18:19:57
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coacheswife, I have a good story to share with you. I was talking to my 12 y/o's coach one day and we were talking about trying to please everyone on the team. He said "I don't even try to please everyone on the team, I just try to frustrate them all - it's easy to frustrate all of them but impossible to please them all !!".
He was kidding of course but his point is true - your husband will never please everyone on the team. Tell him to set a course and get everyone on board with his goals. Those that want to complain can get off anytime they like. If he is losing 1-3 players every year and those players are not top tier players on the team, it's not a big deal. Their parents probably have unrealistic views of their sons' playing ability.
If he consistently loses the top players from your team every year, he may want to reconsider how he is coaching.
JMHO - best of luck ! |
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coacheswife
10 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 22:09:01
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LOL...Bandit_Hawk
You made me laugh!!! It unfortunately is true that sometimes it is easier to make someone mad than to make them happy (which is a shame). Your also right about if the good players stay and the bad one's leave then you must be doing something right.
Coach Tony,
Thank you for the good information that you shared. I have printed it and will distribute it to the coaches and parents.
Wow, what a day at the baseball field!! We have narrowed our problem parent down and have addressed the issue as of tonight. The parent was not happy but got the hint that no other parent was there to back her up. We told the parent that it ended tonight and if the conflict kept up we would have to sit her child.It is now the parents call to keep the conflict up or shut up!! I am drinking an ice cold Beer and I feel good !!! |
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excoach12
159 Posts |
Posted - 04/19/2011 : 22:51:54
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Amen Coach Tony, Amen.
I wish I had this long ago.
Because of the behaviour of my sons coach this season he has decided to stop playing baseball after this season. He says the fun is gone. Darn shame that an 11 year old stops playing ball because of the coach. He has played since he was 5 years old and has natural talent that we worked so hard to develop. All the time, money, hardwork and love that went into his passion wiped out in half a season. Darn shame....... |
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PASSBALL
28 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2011 : 01:00:00
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| Coaches Wife, I had to learn the hard way. After years of trying this and that. I decided that i had enough. So we went to EAST COBB. A lot of people dont like it up there. But Im here to tell you that the parent would have never did that with a coach of one of the top teams up there. They would have clearly made her understand that she and her child could gladly leave! Maybe someone should tell the parent what the meaning of DEVELOPMENT? SHE needs to appreciate the fact that the coach said something her son, because where i come from if coach doesn't say anything to you that clearly tells you how he feels cause even pros get talked by the coach!! |
Edited by - PASSBALL on 04/20/2011 09:05:17 |
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coacheswife
10 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2011 : 08:17:21
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Hi excoach12,
It's sad to hear what happened to your son! But, if he truly has that much talent and you have invested a lot of money then maybe you should try to find him a good team to play on instead of quitting baseball. Yes, there are coaches out there that can make you upset and think "why are we doing this" but hang in there because there are a lot of good coaches too:) My son had a horrible coach a few seasons back in rec ball but he just smiled and said "mom I never want to be on his team again". If your son has a love for the game then he will want to return to baseball. Besides, in real life our children will have bad teachers, bad College Professors, bad Boss' and bad friends but just hang in there and maybe he will find the right fit. Good Luck:) |
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rippit
667 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2011 : 10:31:29
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quote:
Originally posted by excoach12
Amen Coach Tony, Amen.
I wish I had this long ago.
Because of the behaviour of my sons coach this season he has decided to stop playing baseball after this season. He says the fun is gone. Darn shame that an 11 year old stops playing ball because of the coach. He has played since he was 5 years old and has natural talent that we worked so hard to develop. All the time, money, hardwork and love that went into his passion wiped out in half a season. Darn shame.......
I hate that this has happened to you and your son. Same thing happened to us and a certain football coach 2 years ago at age 11. End result? No more football and every baseball guy out there who also coaches football is trying to get my son to change his mind with no luck!
SHAME on those idiot coaches only out for themselves and their own kid with no regard for the other children they are supposed to be "helping". |
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coacheswife
10 Posts |
Posted - 04/20/2011 : 21:42:44
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I hope everyone's having a good night! Well tomorrow night we are having a scrimmage so we will see how everyone gets along.
Passball,
I know East Cobb Baseball doesn't put up with anything. I believe they make you sign something when your son makes the team. I know it probably seems harsh to some parents but it is worth it for the team to be successful. We did not do that but I am sure that it will happen next season. You Live and You Learn!!! |
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ramman999
241 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2011 : 06:59:25
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quote:
Originally posted by coacheswife
I know East Cobb Baseball doesn't put up with anything. I believe they make you sign something when your son makes the team. I know it probably seems harsh to some parents but it is worth it for the team to be successful. We did not do that but I am sure that it will happen next season. You Live and You Learn!!!
We have players AND parents sign a code of conduct each season, which spells out guidelines and ramifications. We've been doing this since 8u and trust me, it is not a cure all, but it serves it's purpose. I suggest you implement one for the fall- be more than happy to send you ours- its not harsh, just sets expectations. |
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coacheswife
10 Posts |
Posted - 04/21/2011 : 11:35:44
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Ramman999,
That would be wonderful if you could send me what your team uses. Most of the time we do not hear that much static at the game. But, the emails start coming within 6 to 24 hours later. All of our boys seem to click together well...if only we could get some of the parents to do the same. Most of them do get along well but you always have that one that refuses to see anything but negative. I wonder if there is a book that I can buy her that is "How to stop being controlling and start thinking positive". LOL Thanks again:) |
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PASSBALL
28 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2011 : 00:03:34
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Coacheswife,
At East Cobb you don't have to sign anything. They just tell you that coming through the door. Your son makes the team and the first thing they say is that your money is only good for that roster spot!!! Not playing time or position that little johnny wants to play. I simply love the position that they take with not talking certain things with parents! I don't know how old your son is and where you guys play out of, but I strongly urge East Cobb almost anyone with a kid that has talent. like i said in the first post this is exactly why i got away from this kind of stuff that you are dealing with. |
Edited by - PASSBALL on 04/22/2011 08:48:33 |
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AllStar
762 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2011 : 09:04:44
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quote:
Originally posted by PASSBALL
Coacheswife,
At East Cobb you don't have to sign anything. They just tell you that coming through the door. Your son makes the team and the first thing they say is that your money is only good for that roster spot!!! Not playing time or position that little johnny wants to play. I simply love the position that they take with not talking certain things with parents! I don't know how old your son is and where you guys play out of, but I strongly urge East Cobb almost anyone with a kid that has talent. like i said in the first post this is exactly why i got away from this kind of stuff that you are dealing with.
If you are with the top 2-3 teams in your age group at ECB this might be true. Anything after that is no different from any other park except that you get less field time.
Outside of the Astros and Titans, they field everything from good Major teams to average, or worse, Triple A teams and a small minority of them have paid coaches. |
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CoachDad
52 Posts |
Posted - 04/22/2011 : 13:26:21
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People have to be so negative because ... human nature is what it is. There's the answer from Captain Obvious. With a new and untested team with new coaches, there is going to, undoubtedly, be some second guessing from the other side of the fence. Actually, it's not just going to be on new teams ... it's all through every level.
What we would like to see is a medium between parents who have opinions that they only want to share with the bleacher crowd and coaches who have a God complex and can't tolerate any questions about a parent's child, the team or rationale behind decisions.
The issuance of a philosophy and team rules and expectations is a good first step in opening a line of communication between coaches and parents. Another good step is to actually tell the parents that they are not going to agree with everything you do and, if you're honest with yourself, sometimes in retrospect, you might not agree with everything you did. If you're open for one on one communication with the parents, then most of them will respect that. The others who won't come to you face to face... my Mother told me many times; "consider the source."
Face it... even East Cobb isn't too many years removed from redneck Georgia no matter how many yuppie transplants there are. |
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Why are people so negative
